Compassion or Control
by mabelreid
Summary: One Shot What's the difference between the abused that conquers fear to become strong, and the abused that looses their sanity and falls to darkness? Hotch Centric Spoilers for Conflicted


_**Disclaimers: see my profile**_

_**Warning: spoilers for "Conflicted" **_

He thought he knew why some of the abused became abusers and killers. He thought he knew why some of the abused threw off the chains of childhood and became productive members of society. He thought he had at least _some_ of the answers. He'd been wrong.

As he'd watched the youngest member of his team talk down "Amanda," the questions he'd experienced all his life came back with nearly enough force to knock the breath out of him. All of the values and rules he lived by confronted him. Why was he different from Adam/Amanda? He'd suffered at the hands of an abusive and cruel man. Why had he survived sane, and intact? Why had Adam broken and become a killer buried under a dominant female personality?

He could spout off complicated psychobabble from now until doomsday, but it didn't stop his questioning of the whys and the wherefores.

_Why are you questioning your life and the suffering of childhood? Forget it and go on!_

He couldn't stop questioning because it had brought him to this job and some talented people who fought the good fight against evil men.

_You lost your family because of the good fight. _

_Was that the root of all this self-examination? _

When he was a child and suffering, he'd got through by convincing himself that he would escape and make something of himself far away from his father.

The memories of all the black eyes, the pain of broken bones and the screams of his mother and little brother were forever imprinted in his mind. Every time he heard the sound of flesh hitting flesh or bone breaking, he had wrapped up his emotions just a little tighter. Every time he smelled the alcohol on his father's breath, or the blood from his mother's nose or mouth, he swore he'd never hurt anyone that way.

When he finally escaped, he'd learned to completely bury his anger, and his hatred. He met Haley and swore he'd never lay a hand on her in anger. He became a lawyer and put away men like his father every week. He became a profiler and found his true calling. Then he lost his new family.

The first crack in the tightly controlled façade was nearly losing a member of his team to a lunatic. The second crack had come at losing his beloved Haley. When she'd left, a part bloomed in him that wanted to use his fists on her and teach her a lesson for taking away his son.

Was that the reason he was revisiting his painful childhood? Had just thinking about letting go of his iron control and becoming the monster his father had been, had that caused all the self-doubt. After all, his father had always said that a woman belonged in the kitchen and with the kids. He said that woman was made to obey their husbands.

His father had been wrong of course, but part of him that wanted to listen to the voice of his father and make her pay for her leaving him.

The third crack came with his interview with Chester Hardwick. He'd threatened them both with death. It was almost as if his father took over his body and brain. The red-hot anger and hatred had broken free. He could feel the desire to rend flesh and break bone. It was so great in his chest that he could not breathe. Finally, he could let go of his control and act on his darker desires.

Then Reid had distracted Hardwick, and he'd had to pull the control back into place. For the briefest of seconds, he wanted to turn his anger on Reid, as the younger man was an easy target. Then he'd got sick to his stomach for even thinking it.

Now, here he was once again wondering what the difference between him and Adam was. Why hadn't his mind broken? Why had he survived intact and sane? What made them different? Was it only his iron will, the same will that had pushed away his wife and son, keeping him from really getting close to them?

Hotch stepped up to the window that looked out over the bullpen. Speculation was useless… He'd made his choice and would live with it. He watched Reid pick up his ready bag. It was time for another of his trips to see Adam/Amanda.

_Would Amanda break through this time?_

Hotch ran a hand over his head. Reid would most certainly fail if Amanda were as strong as his boss was.

_What if she's not?_

_Can compassion overcome strength of will? _

Reid dashed up to the elevator. He pushed the call button and Hotch watched him turn to look up at his window. He didn't try to duck away as someone might when caught staring at someone. Reid gave him a small wave and a smile.

_Yes… I think compassion can overcome anything. _


End file.
